Greetings workers of the world! As you know, I just re-send the best joke(s) I get from the emails I gather for that one week. If this is your first time to receive this, welcome to a new and (hopefully) entertaining addiction!
Good Friday the 14th! I was so in the mood for a good joke this week and I have a feeling that many of you did too. Unfortunately, there weren't that many "printable" ones. So I searched back and found jokes from my archive of unused gems. Thanks go to Rod of Glendale, Dading of Washington, D.C., Jody of Los Angeles, and Rachel of Burbank for some funny entries. Ed of Burbank, Debbie of Temple City and Ding of Vancouver sent their picture jokes. For the only video that made it past our censors thanks go to Ding of Vancouver for this hilarious impromptu clip of Robin Williams,
TGIF people!
Address all suggestions and questions to: .
Adam's Mission
sent
by Rod of Glendale
God said, "Adam,
I want you to do something for me."
Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"
God said, "Go down into that valley."
Adam said, "What's a valley?"
God explained it to him.
Then God said, "Cross the river."
Adam said, "What's a river?"
God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......."
Adam said, "What is a hill?"
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"
Adam said, "What's a cave?"
After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."
Adam said, "What's a woman?"
So God explained that to him, too.
Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."
Adam said, "How do I do that?"
God first said (under his breath), "Goodness gracious..."
And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.
Then, in about five minutes, he was back.
God, his patience wearing thin, said "What is it now?"
And Adam said
*
*
*
*
*
"What's
a headache?"
Annual Neologism
Contest
sent
by Dading of Wash., D.C.
Once again, The Washington
Post has published the winning submissions
to its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings
for common words.
And the winners are:
1. Coffee (n.): the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.): appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.): to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.): to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy~nilly (adj.): impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.): describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.): to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.): olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.): emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.): a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.): a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.): the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n): a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.): a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish~isms.
15. Frisbeetarianism
(n.): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up
onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent
(n.): an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish
men.
Video
of the week
Angelina Jolie's silent birth in Africa
sent
by Ding of Vancouver, B.C.
Comedian Robin Williams
goes wild and crazy when he describes Angelina Jolie's birthing. I couldn't
understand half of what he was saying but it still brought me to tears.
(Click on the picture)
TGIF Picture Jokes
Postive Proof of
Global Warming
sent by Ed of Burbank
What if Iraq Wins
the War?
sent by Ding of Vancouver, B.C.
Click
here for picture 1.
Click
here for picture 2.
Click
here for picture 3.
Click
here for picture 4.
Click
here for picture 5.
Click
here for picture 6.
Why Kids Should
Not Be Left Alone
sent by Debbie of Temple City
Feedback from Last Week's Law & Order Edition
Not too many written feedback but lots of new signups. Thanks to all who contribute their little comments every now and then. Here just a few of the best ones. --- Raoul
From Gordon: By now, I suspect that everyone knows that laughter promotes good health and a better life for us all. If anything should happen to prevent me from receiving TGIF I would suffer a significant decrease in the quality of life. So keep up the good work. God is no doubt as pleased by your efforts on our behalf as we are. (And congratulations on Josh's entry to Brown University!)
From Ed: Loved the drawings. do you ever choose a winning joke based on what would make an interesting artistic challenge for your illustrations?
Sometimes. But it's usually if it's new. If the visual on my head is interesting and of course --- if it's funny! And to be honest, a lot has to do with my mood at the time. A joke can be really funny at one time and sometimes I wonder why I found them so funny. --- Raoul
From Terry:
(sent an original joke on Thursday) "All of the other crows seem
to be calling my name," thought Caw.
I.W.I.W.F. (I Wish It Was Friday)
From Jody: I liked the beer commercials with the turtle.
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Time's Up
sent by Rachel of Burbank
A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the Hospital.
While on the operating table, she had a near death experience.
Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, two months and eight days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well look good.
Following her final cosmetic operation, she was released from the Hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was struck and killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of that ambulance?"
God replied, "GIRRRRLL, I didn't even recognize you!!!"
Who Said What?
sent
by Jody of Los Angeles, CA
As I pondered on the illlustrations for this collection of jokes, I noticed that many of these comedians smoked cigars. I could have but (fortunately) never got into smoking but I thought this would be a good time to give homage to these whose lives could have lasted longer had it not been for the habit. --- Raoul
"Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin." - Lillian Carter (mother of 64th president Jimmy Carter)
"I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall." - Eleanor Roosevelt
"Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement." - Mark Twain
"The secret of
a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have
the two as close together as possible."
- George Burns
"Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year." - Victor Borge
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." - Mark Twain
"What would men be without women? Scarce, sir ... mighty scarce." - Mark Twain
"By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get" a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury." - Groucho Marx
"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe." - Jimmy Durante
"The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things." - Jilly Cooper
"I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
"Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential
food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat." - Alex Levine
"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first." - Mark Twain
"My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying." - Ed Furgol
"Money can't
buy you happiness... but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery."
- Spike Milligan
"What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money." - Henny Youngman
"I am opposed
to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me the position."
- Mark Twain
"Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up." - Joe Namath
"Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life." - Herbert Henry Asquith
"I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap." - Bob Hope
"I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it." - WC. Fields
"We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress." - Will Rogers
"Don't worry about avoiding temptation.. as you grow older, it will avoid you." - Winston Churchill
"Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty... but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
"The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good spit it out." - Unknown
"By the time
a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere."
- Billy Crystal
